Surviving Thanksgiving With Family

Nov 16

By Norman Cerny, LISW-S | Small Works Counseling

Maybe you want to see your cousin and eat your aunt’s pie. You also know that somebody will ask why you’re still single, make a joke about your pronouns, or insist you have a drink after you’ve already said no. You can look forward to parts of Thanksgiving and dread the rest. Both feelings can help you decide how you want to spend the day.

You can go for an hour, ask to bring a friend, make other plans, or stay home. You’re allowed to make that decision based on how these gatherings usually go.

Pick a boundary you can follow through on

Think about the thing you’re most likely to face. Maybe it’s comments about your body. Maybe it’s a relative who corners you to restart an old argument. Decide what you’ll say and what you’ll do if it keeps happening.

“I’m happy to catch up. I’m keeping my dating life private.”
“Please stop commenting on my plate. If it keeps coming up, I’m going to step away from the table.”
“I’m coming for dessert, and I’ll head out around five.”
“I’m heading home. I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening.”

Say it in words that sound like you. If someone keeps pushing, you can repeat the same sentence or take the break you planned. You can also leave quietly if announcing your boundary would make things harder or less safe.

Bring someone who knows what you need

If being around your family leaves you on edge, ask the host if you can bring a friend, partner, or someone from your chosen family. Tell your person what would actually help. Maybe you want them to sit beside you, go for a walk with you if the conversation gets ugly, or be ready to leave with you when you give the signal.

You might say, “Would you come with me? My family can get intense, and I’d feel better having you there. If I ask whether you’re ready to get some air, can we step outside together?”

If bringing someone won’t work, ask a friend to be available for a text or a call. You can set a check-in time before dinner. If you go, arrange a ride you can use whenever you’re ready to leave.

Make a plan that supports your recovery

If people will be drinking or using substances, picture the gathering as it usually happens. Are people likely to offer you a drink after you’ve declined? Is there somewhere you can step away? Is there someone you can reach who understands what this day might bring up for you?

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism recommends identifying situations that bring up urges to drink, avoiding those situations when possible, and planning how to respond if an urge comes up, including talking with someone you trust (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, n.d.). The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration also identifies supportive relationships and community as important parts of recovery (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, n.d.).

A Thanksgiving plan could be as simple as bringing a friend who agrees to stay sober with you, checking in with a sponsor or peer before dinner, or stopping by earlier while the house is quieter. If someone offers you something, “I’m good with what I have” is a complete answer. You get to decide who knows about your recovery. If cravings show up or people start pushing, you can step out, call your support person, or head home. And if being around substance use feels like too much this year, you can plan a different day from the start.

It’s okay to skip Thanksgiving

You’re allowed to decline because you know what the day costs you. That includes the days you spend dreading it and the time it takes you to feel like yourself afterward. You can miss someone and still choose to see them on a different day. You can feel guilty, relieved, or sad after saying no. Those feelings can all be there while you keep your plans.

If you want to send a text, it can be short.

Thanks for inviting me. I’m sitting Thanksgiving out this year. I hope you have a good day.

If you want to see someone separately, you can offer coffee next week or a phone call that morning. You can also spend the day with friends, go to a recovery gathering, or eat your favorite takeout at home. A quiet day is a real plan.

If you decide what you can handle on Thursday morning and it’s different from what you imagined a week ago, you can change your mind. You’re allowed to spend Thanksgiving in a way that supports the life you’re building.